July 26, 2016

EMBARGOED: Remarks By Governor Terry McAuliffe To The Democratic National Convention

Lincoln Bedroom, I’m baaaaack!

Ahem, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the great city of Philadelphia and to the 2016 Democratic National Convention. Man, these conventions always take me back to the good old days.

But this year it’s not just the convention that’s taking me back in time. Guys, who would have thought there could be another Clinton White House?!

The first one was a BLAST, guys. And this time Bill and I would have way more time to goof around on golf courses and private jets since Hillary will have to do all the work. We can even bring along our buddy Hugh Rodham. After all, he helped raise Chinese money for my skechy business ventures. Watch out Washington – the boys are back in town!

I didn’t think I could possibly more MORE excited about another Clinton administration until Hillary picked Tim Kaine. Look, I’m not exactly psyched to sit next to the guy at state dinners (seriously, have you ever talked to Tim Kaine? Clipping your toenails is more exciting) but do you know what happens if Timmy becomes the VP? There’s an open senate seat in Virginia.

And who gets to fill it? You guessed it – the Macker!

Who will I pick? I should probably keep this close to the vest, but let’s just say I know a guy who likes power, lives in Virginia, and is about to be out of a job.

I mean, what else am I going to do? I’m terrible at business (remember the time I tried to start that toy car company in China?) and it just seems a lot easier to be a senator than to become a professor or write another book. Boooring!

Now I know what you’re thinking. What about that ongoing FBI investigation into my shady fundraising and ties to the Clinton Foundation?

I know I’m among friends here, so I promise I won’t have a meltdown like I did on CNN earlier today. Besides, I have to feign outrage but between you and me, I’m not really worried. Let’s be real, if Hillary didn’t get in trouble for blatantly compromising national security, I’m totally home free.

So raise a glass, or whatever kind of homebrew Kombucha you Bernie bros drink, to the return of the Clinton cronies. Come November, the Mack is back!

NOTE: This is a parody.